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Monday: flats to sell 1 (v.g.); property markets in downturn 1 (non v.g.)

Am selling my flat – just as housing market is said to be slowing down and Bank of blooming England sends interest rates up. Think will write ‘Bridging Loans Diary’.


Postman arrives with advance schedules. Ooh. There’s my flat, all photographed and smart. Erk. Colours on walls look v strong. No magnolia here. It is my personality, in a property.  


Monday evening

Tell friends the flat is a ‘bricks and mortar’ me. If market doesn’t respond, will feel like a personal rejection. Friends say: ‘it’s true. You need someone to fall in love with the place.’ Blimey. Looking for buyer is like looking for boyfriend. My ‘des res’ needs its Mr Darcy.


Tuesday: flat-selling manuals bought 3 (v.g)

Ooof. How much hoovering and dusting can one person do? Grooming flat is like grooming self. Never-ending. But self-help books for flat say ‘wow factor’ crucial.


Wednesday: bouquets bought 4 (v.g.)

9am V important to maximize presentation of flat. Flowers essential. Need vases. Where are vases?

10am Find vases, after emptying cupboards. Need to put clutter back.

11am Note, emphasise good storage in flat.

11.30am Clean vases. Oh. Need flowers for vases.

12pm At florist. Don’t know names of flowers. Point and ask how much petalled ones are. Told £4.75. V good for whole bouquet. Told is price per stem.

12.40pm At Asda, buying flowers.

1.30pm Arrange Asda Sweet Williams. Wonder if should put ‘flower food’ in vase. How many calories in flower food? Would Sweet Williams want to eat flower food, if fattening?

2pm Put vase in bathroom. Then sitting room. Back in bathroom. Then hall.

4pm. Have spent two hours moving Sweet Williams around flat. Then realized forgot to put other flowers in water. Big bouquet of gladioli now drooping.  Uugh. If can’t sell flat, will have to get bridging loan to finance expenditure on even Asda-price flowers. Is it possible to go into debt on gladioli?


Wednesday evening: viewers 1 (hopefully); wait 2 hours (grrr)

7pm First viewer expected. V excited.  Sweet Williams in bathroom. New gladioli in sitting room. Old gladioli in bin.

7.15pm Viewer probably held up at work. This is good as gives chance to go over notes. Must tell viewer: flat close to station; flat abounds with period features (estate agent speak). Er, nice close.

7.30pm Feel sorry for flat. It is all dressed up with no one to view.

8pm Where is mean, rude, late viewer?

8.15pm Stare out of window looking for viewer. Across road is a flat with a ‘Sold’ sign on. Owners probably financed on their next property. Hate ‘smug mortgaged’.

8.30pm Call friends. Can’t even get flat a first date, let alone a boyfriend-like buyer. Why is this so hard? Unlike Elizabeth Bennett, I don’t need my Mr Darcy to have £10,000 a year, just a deposit.  


Thursday: viewers 2 (v.g.), wait 0 hours (v.g.)

10am  Real, live viewers turn up. A young man, with his Dad. Neither says much. Not into tall, silent types when showing flat. Get flustered.  Tell them ‘the flat abounds with stations’ and ‘is really close to period features.’

10.10am Young man and Dad leave.

1pm Estate agent phones. Young man and Dad said flat was smaller than expected. Knew should not have tripled measurements on schedule. Hah!

1.05pm Phone friends to advise of cruel rejection of self/accommodation on basis of size.

1.30pm v g idea. Could wash out bottle of Chardonnay and use as stylish, witty vase.

1.33pm Open Chardonnay. 

4pm Yes! Was right. Empty Chardonnay bottle looks good with gladioli. Excellent flat-enhancing plan. Thought had only emptied one bottle but am now seeing double.

6pm Phone friends again. Wah! Where is Mr Darcy? Don’t want an offer for my hand, just twenty per cent over the asking price. Will he come next week?